Dear readers, this is not the kind of post I normally write. But God gave me a passion for writing since I was little, and today I want to use my words to share something that my heart is full of–love for my baby, who’s not yet born!
I didn’t know that even before you’re born I would love you so much.
How every chance at wishing I get is all about you now.
I blew out candles twice the week of my 26th birthday. And all I wanted was for you to be safe, so I prayed that both times.
As often as I pray for you, I remind myself that while I’ve loved you with this new, deep love for a few short months, God knows you outside of time and loves you more than I do.
Some moments my love for you gives way to fear. I never knew that kind of fear before, either. About bad things that could happen to you, or how I might mess up. When I’m afraid, I let my breath out and pray again. And then there’s a peace I never knew before: You are in the safe and nurturing womb of God’s love.
Another thing I didn’t know? That I could cry so easily. That a storybook your Grammy sent for you would make me cry, snuggled up against your Dad while he read it to me.
I guess I understand my own mother–your Grandma–better now, too. You’ll notice it when you get older–how she cries when you write sweet notes or give her special hugs or do normal things like grow up. I have an inkling that that will be me now, too.
I never knew that helping another person grow was going to make me feel so young! I’ve been an adult for several years, but I suddenly feel young and not quite ready. I can’t believe that we’re parents now, and I thank heaven for an ancient God to help us out!
I never knew that in the busy whirl of daily life all I’d really want to do is be still to hold and kiss you. I lie in bed every morning (on my side, of course) and dream about what you’ll look like; how it will feel to stroke your back and see your eyes. After you’re born I want to lie there and hold you for hours, satisfying all these mornings that I’ve lain there wanting to.
While I wait for that, I’m trying my best to follow the advice told over and over by other mothers. They say to enjoy each stage of your little one’s life, for what it is and when it is.
Not to rush anything.
Just to savor.
So for now I’ll enjoy uninterrupted sleep while you’re tucked inside me, doing your own thing (this week, you’re practicing your swallowing!).
You’ll be here soon, baby boy. In the meantime, your Dad and I will celebrate Thanksgiving with you to be thankful for, and at Christmas we’ll magnify the Lord in a way we never did til there was you.